Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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