Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
