dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
