Hey man sorry I got all grabby
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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