New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
