i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
