i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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