Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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