I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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