I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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