Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
