let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Randomize
