god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
