I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
