Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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