He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
