Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
