I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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