I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
She told me I should be a condom model.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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