i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
40s are totally the cure
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
