Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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