I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
