I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
