these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
