remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
