forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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