I could make wine with my vomit
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
