I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
