Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
