A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
