I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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