i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
40s are totally the cure
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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