She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
