so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
organizing the empties. That sober.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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