i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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