My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
