my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
