If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
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