the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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