On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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