I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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