ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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