Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
