I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
My feet surprised me
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
