saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
