i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
