dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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