Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
