it hurts more in the daytime
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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