just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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