Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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