You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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