end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
