I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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