yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
