Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
