Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
