Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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