It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
