The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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