How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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