She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
