literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
