Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
