a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
