you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
