is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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